Home Truths

Life's Little Unlearned Lessons

Ha Ha! Did you think I'd given up? No, I'm back - a little less stressed with a convenient half hour to write a post. I'm also acutely aware that I'm at CyberMummy in ten days, so clearly need to up my post count pronto!

I haven't been idle tho - I have been mentally gathering a list in my head of all the things I have learned over the years, but still always do. These are the ones I have been getting wrong this month:

1. Do not go to the supermarket in open toe sandals, especially with freshly painted (Dior Aloha no less!) toenails. You will roll your trolley over them at least five times and it is PAINFUL!

2.Do not think that teaching your 3 year old boy to put his socks and pants in the wash is 'job done'. He will religiously do it for four years and then one day simply stop. It's all part of learning how to be a man.

3. Ditto for eating the fat on bacon.

4. Do not allow filthy football boots in the car; always take a convenient plastic bag for said boots and insist that your son removes them before getting in. Also take a pair of plastic Marigolds in order to tug said boots from his feet when your son starts complaining that he can't get them off all by himself.

5. Do not assume there will be plenty of time in the morning for packing school bags/writing the teacher a note about lost swimming kit/creating a French outfit for themed day. There will not, and you will shout at the kids because deep down you know it's your fault (but you knew this didn't you?).

6. Do not send your husband to the supermarket when he is hungry or when you need household products. He will come home with more condiments than you can shake a stick at (something to do with the BBQ effect) and no Parazone. Ever.

7.Do not expect your daughter to take pride in her hair. She will never brush it on her own accord until she is 13. Therefore either keep brushes in the kitchen/car/handbag at all times - or end up shouting (because deep down you knew it was your fault etc. etc.).

8. Always, always return your mother-in-law's phone calls. If she can't get hold of you, she will phone her son - who will return her call. Result = BAD WIFE.

9. Do not ignore the dog's birthday. How dare you be so cruel - and do make sure you make that dogfood cake you promised.

10. Do not get drunk, watch Desperate Housewives and insist that your husband (custodian of the flicker of course) pause/rewind every two minutes so that you can impart rambling rubbish about continuity problems/how much filler the actresses have had.

11. Do not ask your children which questions they got wrong when scoring over 80% in a test. They will hate you.

12. Do not leave washing the spare room bed linen until the last minute - and especially do not turn over the sheet and fluff up the pillows in a desperate attempt to make it look fresh.

13. Do not leave painting your nails until the hour before you have to leave. They will not dry. At least one will smudge, and it will be the one on display when you are holding your wineglass.

14. ...and do not think you can do nail touch-ups/topcoat in the car. It is completely impossible, and your husband will deliberately slam on the breaks at the crucial moment of application.

15. Do not put wine in the freezer because you have forgotten to put in the fridge. If you do, put on the timer, or risk giving your kids an impromptu science lesson on the expansion of liquids when frozen.

16. Do not think your 10 yr old son will be happy running around in plimsolls with 'Mini Boden' emblazoned in lime green on the back.

17. Do not expect 15 little girls to exclaim in wonderment how gorgeous your cupcakes look before destroying them. If you must show off your baking skills (and I must) take a photo and turn it into a party thank you card.

18. Do not spend hours arranging a family holiday in January, scouring the internet for the best deals, only to leave car hire until the last moment and pay through the nose.

19. Do not just wash the outside of your car, and ignore the inside. There will always be that last minute lift you must give Alpha Mum (her perfect feet perched between the empty Lucozade bottles and piles of gravel/leaves from your drive). And do you not think other kids report back about that weird smell coming from your air con?

20. Do not promise yourself (or anyone else) that you will never do the above again.

I'm sure I've only scratched the surface - you must all have your own 'life's unlearned lessons'. Shall I make it a regular spot? I'm sure it will only take me another week to have accumulated another dozen!

What can you teach me?